We are in December; the Christmas season is here. As usual, I feel more alone than ever at this time of the year. However, it doesn’t mean I will be alone for Christmas.
My two kids are away at the moment. One is in the Navy and stationed in Pensacola, FL. The other is in Washington, DC, at American University, earning a master’s degree. They usually need more time for a phone call or even a text. I know they’re busy, yet it still stings.
I now understand what my momma went through while I was often away with the Navy. I wish I’d called more or gone home more. I could have, but I did not.
I have made more of an effort to see my dad more. I have been to visit twice this year. I wish I could do more. However, my back is in no shape to make such a long trip multiple times a year. I suppose I could fly, but that scares the crap out of me. I know—a Christian who can’t overcome a fear of flying. I can make myself do it sometimes. In the Navy, I had to do so. We were on an airplane two to three times a month. I traveled a lot in the military. I also had some scary flights with the Navy, but you got on the plane or would get written up for not following orders. I was never comfortable flying.
We reap what we sow, don’t we? I long for company, a call, a text, anything. I go days and sometimes a week without hearing from anyone. The holiday season only exacerbates my feelings of isolation.
Christmas used to be my favorite time of the year. When I remember the good times of the past, it seems like I’m remembering heaven. I remember the year it all changed for me, but I can’t write about it without sounding like someone else is to blame. Since then, I feel like I have been living somewhere else, hell, perhaps. I feel like I died. And then it got worse! My mom passed away in 2013. My world changed again, and I thought I really would die. You don’t get over such a loss. You only get used to it.
Significant painful events can change a person’s life. Some recover and go on with their lives. I don’t think I did. I didn’t know how. I did what I had to to survive. Sometimes, I think maybe I didn’t survive.
However, the scriptures tell me, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new (2 Cor 5:17).
How do I make the shift? It’s a paradigm shift. I’m not sure how to get there. I believe what the scripture says; I do. Shouldn’t believing make a difference, though?
All I know to do is pray. Pray to see my life from another angle or perspective.
tltatemakeover.com 
I am sorry, Tony. I personally hate Christmas time, because it’s so heavy and puts on too much emphasis on being with family (and food, nowadays it all seems to be about food). I wish I could do more for you in terms of feeling less lonely. But you do what you can and you make the most of it. Who knows, maybe your kids will surprise you with an extra phone call or some other way to contact you 🤷♀️
All I know is, you’re not the only one feeling alone around Christmas time. And with that, at least you are in good company, albeit from a distance.
Actually, they are both home for Christmas. At this very moment, we are watching movies and baking sweet goodness for Christmas Day. However, I still feel what I feel. Maybe it’s just because I’m old. Many older people have this issue. The older I get, the less magic I feel at this time of the year. It seems almost totally gone.
That’s good to hear, that you’re together 🙂
Well, maybe you’re looking for old magic. But what if the magic is in new things? I’m just saying silly things… but another very Merry Christmas to you anyway, Tony! I hope you’ll have a lovely time with your children and that perhaps you’ll find a spark of that magic back 🙂