Sometimes I feel like an addict when it comes to food. I have control issues regarding food, and I don’t exactly know what it is. I imagine there is some emotional element to my disfunction.

Sometimes, I justify lousy eating habits if I have a bad day or experience. I should be avoiding sugar, but I can’t seem to resist, especially when I have a terrible day. And it is not an unconscious type of compulsion. I consciously decide to eat whatever I want, knowing how bad it might be for me, how it may make me feel, or how it will affect my health. I don’t care at the moment.

I am also in the habit of merely eating. If there is food in the house, I eat. So, to make sure this will not happen, I usually have no food in my refrigerator. It is as if I have absolutely no amount of control. Eating for the hell of it is a compulsion that I genuinely don’t understand. I’ve developed a habit I can no longer control. At least not by willpower. My only recourse is to keep the house empty of food or not be home. It is one of the reasons I drive Uber. I fear I might end up featured on the TV show “My 600 Pound Life” if I don’t have something to occupy my time or get away from the house.

I can’t hold a job with my back problems, and I can’t stand OR sit for very long. That would effectively get me out of the house if I could be employed. Since I can’t do that, I Uber. Of course, there are financial reasons too. I am thankful, though, to have a way to stay away from home for several hours. Though I’m sitting in my car, I can stop or take a break whenever I need to.

I don’t lie to myself about making excuses about why I eat. I think it is more the self-talk that goes on in my head. I often have very negative thoughts about myself; my abilities, intelligence, looks, etc. I’m sure there are some lies in there somewhere. I don’t think I’m as bad as my self-talk makes me out to be. Once my negative thoughts bring me down, that’s when my destructive behavior with food kicks in. I decide consciously to eat the wrong things, almost as if to punish myself for being such a loser (I guess the self-talk does contain lies that bring me down). And sometimes, but not that often, I choose alcohol for this punishment.

The combination of negative thoughts and the resulting bad food choices are the real reason I can’t lose the weight I want to lose. At least my blood sugar and a1c are kept in check with intermittent fasting. However, I can’t seem to get past this point.

I am seriously considering speaking with a therapist. I need some help. I am becoming more and more confident that there are some emotional issues I need to explore.