Caring for My Dad

0440: I woke up to my sister screaming my name this morning. She was trying to get my dad into the shower when he passed out. He had become dead weight. We got him out of the shower and opted for a warm sponge bath.

He seemed out of it for a while but seemed back to normal. We got him cleaned up and back in bed. The reason for the shower was diarrhea. We ended up changing the bedding before getting him back to bed.

It was a scary moment for my sister, who was with my mom when she lost consciousness before she passed away. It has been a tiring few weeks for my sister. I am here at home to relieve her stress as much as possible. She took on most of the responsibility of caring for him in his old age. Also, it has been a difficult few weeks because she has been training for a new job.

He has a DNR in place. He does not want any life-saving measures. He (in his mind) is ready to go. I’m not sure all of my siblings are ready. My sister says she is, but I’m not sure that is true. All of us are supportive of his wishes.

I am tired of watching him suffer loneliness. We try to keep him company as much as possible. He is usually asleep, probably 20 hours of the day. When I am back at my place, I am alone 80% of the time. I know what the loneliness feels like. However, I can get up and get out. I can visit a friend or restaurant, ride my motorcycle, practice my saxophone, etc. Because of my dad’s age and lack of mobility, he is not able to socialize.

I believe he is actively dying. It would be great if he rallied, gained some strength, and became more conscious, but I don’t think that is what is happening. Physically, he seems to be getting weaker. I want relief for him. He is helpless against his condition. I’ll be glad when his struggle is over. If anyone deserves a rest from this physical life, it is my dad.

He took care of his family all of his life. He was a proud father, a hard worker, and faithful to do what was expected of him. His life was simple: work, live, love, and repeat. He did not have profound words of wisdom, but he could speak a simple word of encouragement when needed: ” Don’t give up.”

Right now, he is resting peacefully. He had a busy morning. I wish I could go back to sleep. However, if I allowed myself to sleep now, I would not be able to sleep tonight. It’s going to be a long day.