I have Stumbled Hard

My blood glucose level is at 83 right now. It is the first time it has been in a normal range for days, maybe weeks. I know I have been on a sugar and alcohol binge for a while.

I don’t know what happened. I just started feeling down. I won’t say depressed because I don’t think it was as bad as that. I think it was stress more than anything. When I feel pressure, sometimes I need and out. Usually, that “out” comes in the form of cookies, ice cream (sometimes both), or a bottle of wine. And once I get started down that path, it is quite hard to regain control.

I am by no means back in complete control of myself. I don’t think I have been for many months. I can’t flip a switch and make it happen. I feel like I’m right back at the beginning again. I know I have to build one success upon another until I return to the habit of being responsible.

I have gained around 8 pounds (maybe more) since March. Fasting has become harder. Once I started to eat whatever I wanted when I wanted, discipline went out the window. I feel I need discipline. However, I think something else needs to happen. Something emotional and/or psychological. At this point, I’m not sure how to do that.

I understand emotional and stress eating. How to stop is a different story. And when it happens, I don’t desire to eat healthy foods. I want the worst I can get my hands on. Most of the time, with the sugary stuff, I don’t even enjoy it BECAUSE ITS TOO SWEET! Other things I shouldn’t be eating sometimes make my belly hurt.

I always feel better when I eat right. However, the habit of eating badly is so ingrained. I don’t know what to do. Even when I could fast successfully, I still didn’t eat the right things. I am sure it is the reason I was not losing weight.

Do people see a therapist for this kind of thing? I don’t even have money for that. Something has to happen. I need things to change.