Morbid

As I said at the end of my last post, I am coming to terms with how I look and might appear to others. I began to see it a few months ago. I was encouraged to take pictures, “before shots,” to be shown after my success. However, taking the photos and viewing them have made me very self-conscious about my body. It looks disgusting to me and I can’t imagine it looks any different to anyone else.

The photos are motivating me to work hard to stay on track, but make me want to throw my hands up and say, “fuck it!” Give up. I can’t do that, though. My kids are young adults who need me to stick around for a while. That’s the impression I get.

I have wasted time with physical therapy for my back and shoulders. The simple fact is that I’m too fat for my good. Carrying around this horrible gut of mine has put a tremendous amount of pressure on my back; my pelvis, hips, knees, and even my feet have begun to hurt. HOW DO WE LET THIS HAPPEN TO OUR BODIES?!!

I’m angry!—angry at those who control important information about how we stay healthy, and angry at myself. However, there was nothing we could do. We were force-fed lousy information about health and nutrition. It is still happening today. Have you ever noticed that all the crappy food and things that aren’t good for the body cost much less than natural foods that would keep us healthy? At this point, I feel that I’m responsible for what has happened to my body.

Will I beat my obesity? I am still determining, but I’m not sure. Right now, it seems quite impossible.

Physically, I am working hard. If I worked harder, I’m sure I would injure myself. My joints are not what they used to be. So, I am sure the key must be diet. I need to be more disciplined in this area. I must rid myself of the idea that I deserve a treat or a cheat day because I did well on the diet for a few days. That’s bullshit! Consistency is a must. Faithfulness is a must! There is only success with the work – No short-term rewards. The success of the mission is the reward.

I’m tired of messing around. I need that discipline.