I Am Afraid

For the past several weeks, maybe even a month, I have been having unbelievable pain in my legs and hips. In the mornings, especially this morning, I  was barely able to get out of bed. On a scale of 1 – 10, this scale doesn’t matter. My pain is way beyond that. I am afraid because I have never felt this amount of pain before without having had a surgical procedure of some sort. I am afraid because I don’t know where this pain is leading. Am I headed to a wheelchair, walking with a cane, hip surgery? I am almost afraid to tell the doctor about it.

I can’t walk for very long. I can’t ride my bicycle. I can’t sit for very long. The pain is always there. Sometimes I feel like I have been cheated in this life. So much bad comes with the good. Sometimes it is hard to remember the good or enjoy it.

I keep saying that, “aging is not for cowards.” I don’t know how much more aging I can handle. Fighting to stay healthy seems like a fruitless battle sometimes. Where are the returns? As soon as you gain something in one area it seems you are losing in another. I’m tired. I have had my fill of pain.

I will let you know what the doctor says, but, half the time they are only guessing. If you are in the military and are having problems with pain that they don’t seem to care about, or are able to figure out, you owe it to yourself to do whatever you can to get it resolved, even if it means going to a civilian doctor and paying for it your self. I should have. I waited too long to see someone about my pain. And even though I finally did, when I got out, I think it was too late. I suffer now because of it. And on the other hand, it could just be my body. Maybe I would have been in this amount of pain anyway.

Well, enough about that. I have work to do. Til’ next time…